Validation and Presence: The Small Moments That Build Connection

Aug 4
4 min read

By: McCarson L. Jones, LMSW

Many parents come to counseling hoping to find the right words.

They want to know what to say when their child is anxious, angry, withdrawn, overwhelmed, or simply unwilling to talk. While words matter, I often find that children are looking for something even more fundamental. They are looking for validation and presence.

Validation is the experience of feeling understood. It does not mean agreeing with every behavior or decision. It means communicating, “I see what you’re feeling, and it makes sense that you would feel that way.”

Presence is the willingness to stay connected, even when emotions are uncomfortable. Together, these two practices create the conditions for safety, trust, and secure attachment.

Looking Beyond the Behavior

Children and adolescents do not always tell us what they need directly. Instead, they communicate through behavior.

A slammed door may be disappointment. Avoidance and defiance often mirrors fear. Withdrawal could be sadness, and irritability could be exhaustion. When we focus only on correcting behavior, we can miss the story underneath it.

Imagine noticing a storm cloud on the horizon. Most of us would not blame the cloud for bringing rain. We would become curious about the conditions that created it. Children deserve the same curiosity.

A simple statement such as, “It seems like something is really bothering you today,” can open a door that criticism often closes.

Validation Is Not Permission

One of the most common misconceptions about validation is that it means excusing behavior. It does not. A parent can acknowledge a feeling while still maintaining expectations and boundaries.

For example:

“I can see that you’re frustrated right now. It makes sense that you’re upset. It is not okay to hit your brother when you’re angry.”

The feeling is accepted and the behavior is redirected.

Children learn emotional regulation not because their feelings are dismissed, but because someone helped them navigate those feelings safely.

The Gift of Presence

Children often remember how we made them feel long after they forget the details of a conversation.

Presence can look surprisingly simple like sitting beside your teenager during a difficult day, or listening without immediately offering solutions. You might share a meal together without distractions, or walking and talking outdoors, allowing conversation to unfold naturally.

Many meaningful conversations happen when there is no pressure to talk. A car ride, a walk through the Bosque with your dog, watering a garden, or sitting under a cottonwood tree. All of these can create space for connection in ways that direct questioning cannot.

I find that children often speak when they feel less observed and more accompanied.

Shared Stories Create Belonging

Families are built through shared stories and these stories help children understand who they are, where they come from, and how they belong.

Stories can be about grandparents, family traditions, challenges that were overcome, or simple moments of joy. They remind children that they are part of something larger than themselves.

When parents listen to their children’s stories with genuine interest, they send an important message:

“Your experiences matter.”

When parents share their own stories with honesty and care, they communicate:

“You are not alone in what you feel.”

Stories can become bridges between generations.

Connection Before Correction

In moments of conflict, many of us feel an urge to fix, teach, or correct. There is certainly a place for guidance. Yet children are often more receptive to direction after they feel understood.

Connection creates the foundation upon which correction can rest. Before offering advice, try pausing and asking:

“Help me understand what this was like for you.”

That single question can shift a conversation from opposition to collaboration.

Growing Relationships

Nature reminds us that growth rarely happens all at once. A tree does not become strong because of one day of sunshine. It grows through countless days of nourishment, weather, challenge, and care.

Relationships with children develop in much the same way. Safety is built through repeated experiences of being seen. Trust is built through repeated experiences of being heard. Attachment is strengthened through repeated experiences of knowing someone will remain present.

Validation and presence may seem small, but they are among the most powerful gifts we can offer our children. In those everyday moments of listening, curiosity, and connection, we help children develop a lasting sense of belonging, both within their families and within themselves. If you can model it for them, they in turn learn how to approach difficult times with their own emotional intelligence.

About the Author: McCarson L. Jones, LMSW is a relationship-based therapist, writer and academic whose work explores kinship, land and the emotional worlds of children within Indigenous and rural communities. At Nizhoni Counseling, she offers therapeutic sessions for children, adolescents and families.

mccarson@nizhonicounseling.org